he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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