Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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