i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize