sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
