hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
