Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
