I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
