Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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