Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
