Kiss
Puke
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
