The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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