I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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