i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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