um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
