I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize