I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
