I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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