so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
