my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
