Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
If I die, sorry about rent.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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