This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
