Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
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