I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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