i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
