i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
