Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
