Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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