if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
