dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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