Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
