if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
