hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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