I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
