This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
