my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
