it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Ladies don't puke and tell
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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