when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
