I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
