this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Green mimosas i think yes
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize