It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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