nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
