so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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