I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize