I wanna passion pit in your ass
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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