dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
