Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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