drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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