Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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