Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
