Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
