It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
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