I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
