Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
