i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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