My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
