I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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