I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
