Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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